.profile

A collection of completely unsolicited opinions to help you figure out who you’re dealing with.

(Updated periodically as I think of them.)

What is your architectural philosophy?

Microservices are just a clever way to blame another team for outages.

What’s your take on container orchestration?

Kubernetes is just an elaborate, multi-layered coping mechanism for not wanting to write a systemd service file.

Tabs or Spaces?

Spaces are only favored by people who like to increase their character count.

VIM Or Emacs

Vim isn’t actually a text editor; it’s just a lightweight escape room you accidentally install on your servers. (Also VIM all the way)

What Lessons Did You Learn From Star Wars

The DeathStar failed because QA and Engineering figured that the design bug was too much of an edge case worth worrying about.

How do you feel about modern development tools like AI?

AI will never take over the world. It’s eventually going to get stuck trying to exit an interactive git rebase and just give up.

Do you like mechanical keyboards?

Mechanical keyboards are just incredibly loud adult fidget spinners. (And, I own several of them).

XML, JSON, or YAML?

YAML is just Python without the commitment, and JSON is just XML that finally went to therapy.

How do you handle code documentation?

Self-documenting code" is a myth invented by developers who are just afraid of writing a README.md.

Why do developers love dark mode so much?

Dark mode doesn’t actually make you a 10x developer, it just helps hide the bags under your eyes during morning meetings.

What is your take on Agile?

Nothing makes develoeprs work better and faster than making ’em stand up through meetings. Agile was just a way to make developers interact with product and not retreat behind their dark terminals under their desk.

What’s your opinion on Technical Debt?

Tech debt is just code that needed to be shipped yesterday, that got shipped today and we promised to fix tomorrow. (Tomorrow never comes)

How do you feel about Legacy Code?

Legacy code is just another way of saying that its code that works in a language that new developers don’t understand, so they push for upgrades that no one needs. Basically anything coded without a prompt is now legacy code.

Cloud Native or On-Prem?

Cloud native is just clever way to pay Bezos for more compute power for shipping diapers.

What’s your stance on Work-Life Balance?

A myth created by corporations to steal engineers from startups, in leu of seasonal layoffs.

How do you handle conflict with your team?

I remind them that I’m smarter than they are and to just trust me bro. Then blame AI if it doesn’t work out.